the goddess notebook

starting fresh

Technology is great and a great pain when it fails.

This weekend I experienced the failing part.  Without notice, my beloved little Macbook stopped working on Friday night.  No matter what I did, it just refused to start up and like any good crisis, I opted immediately for coping strategy number one:

DENIAL.

"Eep! This cannot be happening." I thought but happened it did anyway and no matter what my friends tried at Future Shop to convince my Macbook otherwise, it refused to work without getting a brand new hard drive first.

By Saturday I had moved to stage two: 

ACCEPTANCE.

I decided to skip anger, ranting and pouting because there really wasn't any point.  All of my clients will tell you that I am the first to ask "what is the gift" when anything "bad" happens so by Sunday when my laptop was returned to me for the low price of $362.56 I thought naming this incident would get me to the gift part quicker.

The name?

FRESH START.

So I have been given a fresh start.  A clean desktop, new and bigger hard drive space, an empty in-box, an unknown schedule and not a photo to be found for miles.

A fresh start for July to enter or download whatever I choose. 

I must confess there is some liberation of all those emails being deleted (but if yours was an urgent one of them feel free to re-send that sucker!).

So while I wouldn't advocate for re-building your hard drive and database and a recommended weekend plan, this got me thinking.

Fresh starts are good.

Back-up systems are helpful.

New beginnings are fun.

So while I might not re-build it all this week, I just know July is going to be juicier when I do.

To living fresh,

beth

Building a great marriage

Yesterday it was my 8th wedding anniversary.  Not exactly a milestone by many standards but for me it was.  Because yesterday as I celebrated my marriage I realized how amazing it is amongst all the tragic, unhappy relationships out there to really like your husband. Loving them is easy.  Liking is harder.  Liking is about accepting who a person is, not what they can do for you, buy for you or show up for you.  This took me a long time to figure out.  I spend a whole lot of time and energy thinking about how to change the things I did not like in my husband.  It became a chicken-and-the-egg kind of tug of war in our house.  'When you change this, I will change that and we will live happily ever after'.  Problem in our house was no one was willing to do the changing first becasue if you did, it felt like "losing" and that you were admitting you were to blame for the problems in the first place.  This led to a whole lot of denial, arguments and power struggles in our house.  No one was giving in.  It it wasn't fun.

Let me save you some time if you have ever wished your partner would change, improve or be 'better'.  Get over yourself.  It has been said by many people far more sage than I, but "things change when we change".   Sometimes it might seem easier to resist this wisdom until it becomes too painful to do so anymore.  I tried this and then, kicking and screaming, I gave it up.  Jack Canfiled calls this taking total responsibility.  Ouch.  Even first considering that thought can feel like when you are about to rip off a band aid. This is going to hurt you think.  Responsible?  100%?  What about HIM or his 50%? Forget it.  It was about me.

I created a fabulous relationship.  I created an average relationship. I created a parenting relationship.  I created a roommate relationship.  I created a something-is-missing relationship.  I created a relationship I hated.  I created a relationship that I wanted out of.  And then I created a relationship that I loved.  All with the same person.

And I am so very glad I did.

dress for success

What do you wear to work?

I am interested because often "dressed for success" means wearing clothes we think we should wear, we think would suit (pardon the pun) our profession or we think we have to wear.  The thinking part is the kicker here.  Anytime you think about anything, you walk a slippery slope.  Bear with me with this clothing example to illustrate my point.

When you stand before your closet do you think (there is that word again) "hmmm...what outfit will make look good?"  Seems harmless enough and I have asked myself that question many a times.  The trouble with it is that particular question does not unearth the real question.  The question under the question as we coaches like to call it.  The question underneath "what will make me look good" is really "what will make me look successful, attract more clients or convey the best image that I want to portray?".  Because let's face it, when we look good, we do good and when we are doing good we feel good and isn't feeling good the point of why we do anything at all?  Here is a question that might be even better to ask:

"what will make me feel good?"

Now this baby gets to the heart of the matter.  Feeling good.

Here is an example of how it works.  I have a favorite pair of black dress pants.  The fit me perfectly, have a little sexy slit hidden at the bottom of the leg that clearly sets me a part from the boys, the fabric is so soft and wonderful they feel like I am wearing pajamas and the best part of all, they have an elastic waist band.  No making me feel like I should have gone to the gym, should not have eaten that second helping at lunch or make me cranky in the least.  I have networked in these pants, given keynotes, gone to dinner parties and to full on parties.  And I always feel great.  Subsequently, when I am feeling great, I seem to attract more business, have more fun and never once think "I cannot wait to get out of this bloody outfit!".  This is a good thing  because if you have ever worn something too tight that also forced you to wear a certain kind of underwear that you really did not enjoy you know this is not a pretty site.  Bad for business and no fun when you have that pained look on your face all night.  Basically, when you start with what feels good you can't go wrong.

Underwear is a whole other topic...maybe later!

money and meaning

Have you ever woken up realizing you made a wrong choice but do not recall even being asked to choose in the first place?  Kind of like by default.  I have.  And the choice I made when I set out ot create a life that I love was "meaning".  I wanted lots of it.  I had my values all lined up, my plan for how a perfect day would be for me and - at some level - I decided that meaning was more important than money.  And so I found myself happy and broke.  Great relationships with financil struggle. I started to realize that I clearly was not choosing money but there was no way I was giving up a life of meaning for the green stuff no matter how tempting it might be at times.  Then I got it. I thought AI had to choose menaing OR money but I was wrong (hurray!).

I did not have to choose.  I only thought I had to because somehow it was 'bad' to do meaningful work and make money from it.  What is up with that belief?  Well I am not entirely sure where I inherited it, bought into it or subscribed to it but I do know this.  I can choose differently and so can you.

A life of meaning AND money. 

Giddyup!

taming your gremlin

If you have never doubted yourself, angsted that you would never be successful or felt like a complete imposter when the rest of the world thought you had it all together, this is not for you.  But for the rest of us who battle with little gremlins who whisper nasty limiting comments in our ear, read on.

I have some experience here.  In fact, I have so much experience in this area, some might say I walk a fine line between a Gremlin master and being the Gremlin's bride.  Think Frankenstein and how much fun it would be married to him.  Being a Gremli bride means you have allowed him to move in and I married the Gremlin "worry". I can't tell you how much time I have wasted worrying.  Worry has been a constant companion of mine and I have been quite adept at finding things to angst about even when things are going fantastic.  But especially when they are not. What an imagination I have in these moments.

So this is what I know - as Oprah would say - for sure.  Self doubt, limiting beleifs, fear and worry are "mental mold".  And like the homegrown variety you might find behind your couch when you discover a sandwich your child left there three months ago, it just keeps growing if allowed to.  It's hairy and disgusting.  Mental mold is just like this.  If you don't expose it, it just keeps growing. And like sandwich mold, if you have enough mold in your house, it makes you sick and can even be life threatening.

Luckily the remedy for both household and mental mold is the same.

Step 1: Find it.  Pretending it doen't exist does not make it go away.

Step 2: Clean it up.  The most effective process I know is called "the clearing" and is a coach faciliatated dialogue that can be done over the phone or in person. 

Step 3:  Do regular housekeeping.  If you only vacuum behind the couch once a year, chances are you will find something disgusting growing there every time.  Same goes for your head.  If you only commit to your own personal growth once a year, that leaves 364 days for your gremlin to fill your head with things that hold you back.

That's it.  That is what I know for sure.  Mr. Clean is my friend.  I wonder is he is single?

success via lululemon

"Do one thing a day that scares you " is a mantra from a favorite store of mine - Lululemon.  Lululemon is a yoga inspired athletic apparel company whose aim is to "create components for people to live longer, healthier, more fun lives".  But I have to say, when I think of scaring myself - daily no less - I get a bit, well, scared frankly.  I do not want to feel afraid and especially not every day. But perhaps there is more to this than a literal intepretation.  Upon reflection, I have decided that "do one thing a day that scares you" does not necessarily mean go bungee jumping on your way to work but do one thing a day that shifts your perspective somehow.  This obviously can be accelerated when dangling from a bridge or ridiculously high platform that you paid someone to hurl you off of, but there are subtle ways too (thankfully!).

My take is to create ways I can be an observer of me, my thought and my feelings in a new way.  Sometimes seeking a shifting of perspective is uncomfortable.  Sometimes I resist it .  Sometimes it creates anxiety but it always keeps me growing.  And when I look around at nature, plants have this pretty much figured out.  Maybe I am wrong, but I don't see things in nature spending a lot of time thinking about how or when or why they should grow.  They just keep reaching for nourishment.  Or they die.

Trouble is "do one thing a day that nourishes you" doesn't roll off the tongue quite the same way but it works for me.

What will you reach for today?

BEing successful

Do you ever run around and wonder if you will ever get to the bottom of your to-do lists?  If you are like most women who work - aka breifcase goddesses - there is always something "to do".  And it is this unending mountain of tasks that leaves us fantasizing about Thelma and Louise.  What if I just got in my car and just started driving?  Wouldn't that be grand?  Except for the driving off the cliff part.  Not exactly a happily ever after kind of ending.

Besides we don't really want to leave.  We couldn't take the guilt for starters and truthfully we love (most days) our husbands, our children, our pets, our plants and whatever else we have in our homes that require regular feeding and watering.  It's more the case of not wanting to be the one so  responsbile for it all.  I am getting tired just thinking about this topic.

But there is hope.

And her name is Elyse Hope (really) Killoran and this fabulous women has created a program to de-bunct the myths about all this DOing to get what we want (www.choosingprosperity,com) because frankly, it is not working.  Elyse (and now me) invites a reversal of thnking about goal setting, success plans and all this DOing that is making us exhausted.  Here is an excerpt from Neale Donald Walsh who supprts this:

"Most people believe that if they "have" a thing (more time, money, love - whatever) then they can finally "do" a thing (write a book, take up a hobby, go on vacation, buy a home, undertake a relationship), which will enable them to "be" a thing (happy, peaceful, content, or in love).  In actuality, they are reversing the Be-Do-Have paradigm. In the Universe as it really is (as opposed to how you think it is), "havingness" does not produce "beingness", but the other way around.  First you "be" the thing called "happy" (or "knowing", or "wise", or "compassionate", or whatever) then you start "doing" things from this place of beingness-and soon you discover that what you are doing winds up bringing you the things you've always wanted to "have."  The way to set this creative process (and that's what this is...the process of creation) into motion is to look at what it is you want to "have," ask yourself what you think you would be "be" if you "had" that, then go right straight to being.  In this way you reverse the way you've been using the Be-Do-Have paradigm-in actuality, set it right-and work with, rather than against, the creative power of the universe.

From Conversations With God (book 3)

Bottom line: if we began each day with a "to BE" list, imagine the things we would then DO to align with what we want to HAVE.  Try it.  It creates a new habit that will provide the most incredible shift in getting to whatever "success" means to you.

Perhaps Shakespeare said it best: "to BE or not to BE, that is the question". 

What will you choose?